every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
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He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
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Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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