i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
