I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
