Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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