Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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