If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
