I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
