I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
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He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
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Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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