so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
