yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
