we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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