good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize