Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
