Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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