i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
