I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
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Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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