he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
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