A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
