Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
