yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
