Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
