What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
