Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
