Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
