Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
