every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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