I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
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does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
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sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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