I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
