Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
