I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
