omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
