4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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