We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
