Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
