Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
