Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
