i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize