I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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