I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
