dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
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Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
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I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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