The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
