Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
