I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
