i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
COCAINE IS GR8
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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