last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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