I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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