Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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