Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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