I faked an abortion last night.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
