No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
