so explain again why im purple
no
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
