i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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