My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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