I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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