i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
