Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
