Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
